In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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