Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
