oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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