Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
