So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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