When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
