So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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