Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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