Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
