Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
