So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
