i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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