Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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