So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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