Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
lol hangovers are for mortals.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
