dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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