my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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