I haven't been this sober since birth.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
