They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
worst night to have a conscience
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
