Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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