Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
