Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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