im having a threesome with these popsicles
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
