Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
