i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
