Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
