Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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