I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He uses pillows to masturbate.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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