Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
