i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
