It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
