guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
