Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
