Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
