It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
the room spins SO much faster in panama
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
