Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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