Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize