My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
