All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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