sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
