there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
