Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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