can u get pink eye on your cock?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
