I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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