I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
