The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
