Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize