So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
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I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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