just tell him i said nine months
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
