you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
