There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city